It has been three years

2011,
The heartache and tears that were there with me everyday. Suicidal.

2012,
Tried to move on and did not think things through. It was not mine, was not his. Again, only heartache and tears were willing to be my friend.

2013,
Realised it was stupid for me to stop my life there. Woke up from horrible nightmares, I change. I don't need heartache and tears to be with me everyday.

2014,
Move on because I need to move forward as time moves. There are no reasons for tears to greet me. Even if I will not find or have what I love or who I love to have, I rather will not because that kind of love is suicidal.

“期待让人越来越疲惫”。。。可是过了一段时间后， 还是要往前走。

“一个人擦泪， 一个人好累” 。。。还会有怎样？ 还不是 需要活下去。

“怎样的我能让你跟想念”？？？ 废话， 应该都忘了我吧。

“被爱的人不用道歉”。。。 永远 默默的爱。。

ISWAK 的歌， 带了我回到从前。。

真怀念。。

那些感觉 还在。。

I should learn to make decisions of my own to make myself happy instead of making others happy. In the end, what do I get? Pretend I am okay with it and smile even if I am not happy and nobody knows it. No one I can talk to no one I can actually spill it out to. No one but you. Why? I screwed up. I took too long time. Too long till it was too late when I saw it.

I have to stop this. I need to.

Even if nobody knows the reasons behind everything I do or say, I don't mind. I can't expect everyone to know why, how, or what. All I can do is have faith in myself and not to repeat the same mistakes. Even if they ended up hating me, I deserve it because I simply don't open up my histories to people. No, I won't open up.

Probably, some things are better left unsaid. Or better yet, not to argue back with someone else's points.

Want to move on from past but I can't,

Cause I don't even want to wake up from my dream.

Too good, yet too fake.

What a good lie to myself.

생일 축하해..

행복하십시오..

Recently, I am feeling even more anguish, frustrated, and emotional about almost anything. I needed to shout and I can't be able to keep everything in my head. I don't even know how to word them, don't even know how to let them out. So, they are just there. Just in my head, hiding, caving into self.

Not good. Not good at all.

Eric Suen - 我不爱你了

雨天让后好几个阴天

怎么那些云都像她脸

所以多看一眼

怕梦飞远

心 有时候喜欢被骗

已经没有了 还在快乐的记念

她在做什么

谁得甜不甜

现在陪在谁身边

我不爱你了

如果这样说你会好过一点

假装习惯风平冷静的世界

那也没什么

也许是你 太特别

我不爱你了

原来以为可以骗得过昨天

这样反而让我知道多想念

不管过多久

心还停在 那一年

我太爱你了

说不爱你是我就最后的防线

以为就把伤痛都交给时间

请你好好的

是我唯一的心愿

我不爱你

是最后的防线

朋友 你在那里?

老朋友 你还好吗?

旧情人 你有想我吗?

Friendship

Until now, I have been seeking for answers. What does friendship mean? Why do we have friends? What makes a friendship? What does it really mean to have friends?

Misunderstanding each other words can actually break a friendship. Can it? How are we to explain the misunderstanding if the other doesn't accept or understand the real meaning behind each words we mean?

What its like to have no friends or true friends? What's the difference anyway? Why does it upset us to lose a friend just in a click? But the most important thing is, why do we need to break the friendship instead of giving opportunities for explanation and leave the past in the past?

Why?

有个人 问了我， “你为什么不像见他？ 你为什么那么 恨他？ 那么不喜欢他？”

我不是恨。 也不是不喜欢。

是很心痛。。

I definitely will and I definitely can make it through.

Losing temper whilst knowing it was wrong to just lose it makes me realise things are not as bad if I have never throw my temper.

Everyday I am learning to control my frustration, stress level, anxiety, and all sorts of negative emotions, have me growing into someone who is physically strong, yet weaker mentally. Isn't it suppose to make you feel stronger overall? Do I need to express all negativity to make myself stronger? Or, do I need to cave them in me to make myself stronger in future situations?

All these are confusing to me. What are the support we need? Where, or how are we going to get the support needed? Family? Friends? Partner? Or an enemy perhaps?

I guess all of these depend on how strong our mentality is. And of course, how determined we are to change our perception towards the static goal.

I've made it through 24th February. I'm proud of myself.