Confusing Thoughts

I've no idea, why am I feeling so blue suddenly. What am I thinking about? Who am I thinking about? What am I worrying about?

Sometimes, I really feel like letting everything out. Just that, I don't know how to and where to.
I had a great time playing badminton with Jerusha, Wan Dee, and Grace. I was really happy, meanwhile tired. But, after packing our stuffs to go home, I feel so miserable. Felt like the umbrella that is protecting me from getting wet by the rain is gone. Felt like the sky blocked the sun and therefore, no sunlight to shine on me. Eventually, my world is full with darkness, sadness.

I want to cry out. I want to shout out. What are friends for? What is boyfriend for? What is trust for? I feel like I'm a fool being such a good friend for friends while they are not even treating you a one. I'm prepared to be a real friend for them. They are not. I'm missing all those good moments, good memories that I have with them. Going for parties, walking in Taiping Town, sitting in McDonalds laughing, talking, having fun. Now, we still do that. But, it feels different than what we have last time. They are all backstabbers. Spilling out each others' secrets when they are suppose to keep them till they die. These are not friends. They are not the real friends that I wish for. These are friends that always dissapoint you, make you cry, make you angry, make you sad. Never satisfy you as a friend.

Where are you when I need a shoulder to cry on? If only I could, I would run out of the house or even cycle out of the house just to go out with you. Just to go out ANYWHERE. Even alone I don't mind. Just to find people, or whatever. But I can't. I always wanted to hug someone when I don't feel good, don't feel happy. I have no one to.

Why am I feeling so miserable with my life? Come on! It's 2010 already. Get a new life!
That is what I keep telling to myself. It didn't work. I just gotto keep on..trying? haha Try till I'm exhausted.

Temperature is so high now. I want to scream. I want to jump. I want to run. I want to punch. I want to sing out loud. I want to drink. I want to eat. I want to do a lot of things that can make me feel better. Why can't he just understand me? Why can't he just listen to me? Not listen just because he has to listen. Listen and remember and understand everything that I am trying to say. Understand and trust everything that I say.

I want to go Australia study. I'd told him before in primary school. He's the one who forgot. I know before this he did ask me to go U.K. But, I still prefer Aussie. Now that Tian Hua is in OZ, so, with his own mind, own thinking, he thinks that I want to go there cause of him. What the fuck?! Do I really need to be like my brother?

1st reason I want to go OZ.
I have been wanting to go Sydney actually cause its a better place for music. I'd seen advertisement about it during holiday when I was still in primary. You were there. And I did say "Pa..I want go there study.." and you said ok..no problem..then start working hard.. Can't you remember????????????? The advertisement inspire me to learn more about music. Inspire me to love music more and makes me think that music is not what you think it is. It's more than what you think it is.

2nd reason I want to go OZ.
I want to go as far as I can from the problems I have here with both of you, the 2 stone-headed old people. Not that I don't appreciate for who you 2 are for me, its I can't stand anymore. I'm just running away from the problem. I don't want the problem to follow me. Cause if I stay here in M'sia for a long time, I will be a mad monkey cause I have to hear all those kind of nonsense and get a call almost everyday to hear you 2 complain shit. Maybe you will say I won't think about home when I go overseas. YES I WILL! I still will think. I still will miss home. But, I'm already missing home. Not the current home. The past home that I used to have when I was a kid.

3rd reason I want to go OZ.
I choose not to go UK cause I don't want to be so far away from home. Although I don't really like to stay here, I still don't want to go away so far. More Asians in OZ. As I went to Melbourne the other day, I feel that I can cope with their life there. But, I can't imagine myself staying in UK. Before I go to Melbourne, I have this feeling that I will be fine in OZ. But, I can't think of anything if I'll be in UK.

Last reason I want to go OZ..
This reason is not a big deal at all. Its not important at all. Tian Hua is there. Jerusha is there. Sher rin is there. Even if they are not there, I still will go. Cause, I have my own thoughts. I follow what I want. Not follow other people. I choose what is best for me and of course I still will try to satisfy other people. The only reason why I don't want to stay in M'sia is cause I DON'T LIKE!!! Studying music in M'sia is not a good thing at all. Plus, I don't want to get rape. I don't want to get kidnap. I don't want to die early. I don't like the environment over here. I have friends that I don't want to mix cause they make me can't study. I only will miss the food here.

CAN YOU PLEASE UNDERSTAND NOW????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is why I shouted in the car. I raised my voice. Cause I can't take it anymore. You wouldn't want to listen to what your daughter wants to say. You won't listen to what your sister wants to say. I am not independant here but when I'm out from here, I feel that I can rely on myself. But yet sometimes I still need my friends to help. But, the basic things, I really can rely on myself.
Yes. I am lazy. I make you worry. I make you can't let me go out study willingly. But, I will change when I'm out there. I will proof it to you. Just need to wait and see.

Genting Highland

Went Genting with Tian Hua, Sher Rin and most importantly Jerusha :)

A 3 Days 2 Nights trip.

It was ohhhhkay la. Not to say very fun cause half of if has been spoilt by my irritating tummy. I can't ride on flying coaster and cockscrew due to the vomitting that I had on the 2nd morning -.-'

HORRIBLE!! But, we played a lot la. Some were closed.

We met Wan Dee, Adeline, Roy and some others. Wan Dee is still Wan Dee but just a little bit too crazy and swear a lot! LOL. But it was fun. Funny too. Had a lot of laughing. Hahah. Nothing much to say about the trip.

But but but but.........................

can spend 3 days with him ma hehehehehehehehehehehe :D:D:D:D:D:D

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Knew something about my audition tape. Am very angry with it. Some errors found in the reply.

- Tan Foong Lee <<>

- "His" <<>

- Claimed that I used a digital piano for my audition <<>

So, I really hope they REconsider about it. Its their mistakes. Fine. The 1st 2 mistakes I forgive - chehwah...hehe - but the last one I am totally upset with it. They are professional people. How can they not know what kind of piano is that? Ish!!!!!!! I hope I get in :(

You were just a car ahead of me. Right when I saw you turning into your house street, I know it's you. I was so close. Few houses away from you.

I wish I could just play you this one particular song. Still remember I said I want to play a song for you? Didn't get to.

What is wrong with my father? He's my boyfriend. Is it wrong for me to go out with my boyfriend? What the heck is wrong with it? Just a movie.

Tomorrow go out with Jerusha. Not him. So what if people say I always go out? Who the ass are they to say me? Go out everyday got what problem? Just go out for almost 2 hours only. Not like he will kidnap me or what! Even if you don't feel safe, I feel damn freaking safe. You don't let me go out when I say his name. What the hell? What's wrong with him? Ask me don't go so close to him. I am not my brother! I know how to control my feelings. My brother ownself find fault not me! I am in the correct lane. Eventhough next time things like him happen on me, I won't be showing those feelings to you! Even now I'm happy, you don't even know. What feelings I have, you don't even know. So, when I break up, will you ever know I'm sad? I'm depressed? Heck no! You won't know at all!! Cause you all, none of you in this family know what I feel nor care what I feel! All you think is only your own feelings!

Can't you just give me freedom to let me go out with my OWN BOYFRIEND FOR GOD SAKE??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not like I'm going out with him everyday. Not like you ever let me go out with him everyday. Not like you ever know what's the feelings of going out with him.
If you disagree of him being with me cause of his grandma is related to my mum's sister, I WILL NOT GIVE A DAMN ASS CARE ABOUT IT! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY IT!!! IT'S A NO BLOOD RELATION SO JUST LEAVE IT!!!!
You have no right to ask me to leave my boyfriend. I have my OWN choice. Love life is my life. Not yours. Not any of yours!

Let me choose my own love life. I will NOT regret!!!!!

My Boyfriend

He said "it's not like this relationship is not working."
- I didn't think about this at all.

He said about Scott.
- You might think he will be like that, but you are wrong.
- You can say you know what he is thinking, I think I know better.
- He tells me about all his feelings towards one girl and I have seen the picture and chatted with her.

He said about the consequences.
- I do understand. Really.
- I've promised him before you told me about it. Even before you told me about it, I was already thinking whether I am doing the right thing or not. After thinking a lot of times, I put friends forward.
- Although I sound like I don't care about what you said - the consequences - I really do care a lot.

He said about me feeling awkward or who awkward blabla
- If you said it is a bullshit, think it in a girl's way.
- If you said it is a bullshit, why will my friends understand what I was trying to tell them? Why would they agree with it?
- Try putting yourself in a girl's situation. It is not a bullshit.

He said about he is the one always asking me to go out and I seldom do and so on.
- You ask me out. Yes I really want to go out with you. But, my dad will never let me. If I go out with you alone and my dad knows, he will not let. Hence, I have to lie sometimes that my friends were with me also. I take risk.
- I ask you out when I'm going out with friends. Cause, you are my boyfriend. Who else do you want me to ask? Another point is, I want to spend time with you also in the meantime.

He said about the tak syokness.
- I'd think before "Its ok if he goes out with her. Cause I did that last time."
- The only thing I tak syok is, you go out with her without telling me. At least I do. Cause I went out with him once before without telling you, you were in total anger. So, I dare not anymore. Then, you go out with her without me knowing about it.
- I'm jealous. Yes I am. Cause she gets to go out with you without her parents saying a thing but I can't.

He said he has been trusting me fully for a very long time.
- Yes you did. But when that thing happened, you said you aren't able to. Now you said you have been trusting me fully?
- I admit it was my wrong last time.

He said he doesn't know why I have the thinking of gaining his trust back.
- I have no idea how to gain that.
- Trust can be gain back
- Because you are my boyfriend and I am treating you as my boyfriend and I think I should let my boyfriend trust me fully.
- So I shall not do things that break his trust.
- But, choosing to go out with another guy as a friend to accompany him to the museum seems like is not a good thing.
- So, thinking for the sixth time, I shall not go.

-------------------------------------------THE END--------------------------------------

I know you don't say "I love you" that often to me and you had told me before.
Sometimes, I just feel like a necessity to hear you say it as a comfort to me.
Sometimes the way you talk to me, react towards me, really makes me wonder whether you really love me or care for me.
I know you really love you - like you said just now until very emotional that makes me melt 15% - but eventhough you really do and eventhough i really do, can you change my dad's and bro's impression?

I hope you understand my feelings also.
Sometimes, I really can imagine us being together till we get married. But, when my dad and bros said things, it's hard for me to imagine.
Maybe now I say I want to be with you always. But, will they ever understand? I mean, I'm the one choosing I know. If they don't, what will happen to me? To you? To us?
Sorry for that pressure you have from them. I know it's not easy.
People say whoever is my boyfriend is a very lucky man. In my mind, it's hard to be my boyfriend as I see my own boyfriend having these kind of pressures. Seeing him not to tell me what he feels, really makes me don't feel comfortable at all.

My boyfriend, is not as smart as you think he is, is not as rich as you think he is, is not as handsome as you think he is, is not as fit as you think he is.
But these are all small matters for me.
I feel happy when I'm with him.
I feel safe when I'm with him.
I feel good when I'm with him.
He bullies me sometimes but I like being bullied by him.
It makes me happy though cause it's him.

The original him, the real him, the true him, are what I love the most.

BIG ISSUE!! and small issue..

the BIG ISSUE!!!!jeng jeng jeng!!!

Aiyak! Cannot write out la. Later I masuk I.S.A. I can't say the word. I only can say..

AIYOR!!!YOU ALL THINK YOU ARE THE KING OF ALL HOMOSAPIENS A?! I THINK THE GOD WON'T CARE ABOUT IT AND YOU ALL WANT SHOW HOW GREAT YOU ALL ARE! KING OF THE JUNGLE A?!

*clear throat*

Well, think twice before you do a thing. God gave your a brain in your skull, not in your pinehole (sorry God for saying bad word), OKAY! Brain is not in your asshole. So, use the brain wisely. Don't keep your brain in your asshole and flow with out with your poop. Cause if you do that, you are the brainless person on earth. Opps, more like THE brainless PEOPLE living on this particular planet named earth.




the SMALL ISSUE!!!!

My dad is making a lot of fuss nowadays. Let me put it in a very simple way.

I am searching for the one that I want to spend my whole entire life with.
I am searching for the husband.
I am the one having a boyfriend.
I am the one that has the right to choose a guy that makes me happy in everyway I am.

So, it is all about me. Right? But, my dad is always telling me, everyday, not to mix with my own boyfriend a lot. Telling me when I go college, university, there'll be a lot of choices. Hello? I'm happy being with him now and you want me to like avoid him or something is it? Seeing your daugther happy isn't it good? Rather than seeing your daughter sad, miserable, having plain life.
Parents only want their children to be happy. I am happy. Aren't you happy, Papa?

........................................................................................................................................................................

THE END!!!!!

To You *smirk*

You smoke....


I S.M.A.C.K

Lets say it again.

You smoke......


I S.M.A.C.K YOU A.S.S.H.O.L.E



*sweet smile* :) hmm..thank you very much although I don't know who you are or you don't know who I am :) *winks*

2010

Since I am in the new year, 2010, not 2009, I guess I'm going to change in the sense of fashion, styles, attitude, personallity, thinking. Hmm. Not that I'll change to the bad one but I will try to change the bad ones to the good ones. And in fashion styles, maybe it will be different from the 2009 Tang Fong. HAHA! Sorry brothers and daddy and mummy. Didn't mean to change my style but mm-hmm, your daughter is growing up with fashions.

I have bad temper. I am going to change this one. Got to try to control my temper when I explore the world. Having this kind of temper is not good at all. You'll tend to make the problems bigger and make yourself stress more. Last time before I enter Form Four, I was able to control. Very well. Things changed. But now,I'm gonna find back the old me :)

Sometimes, I could be very childish. Sometimes, I could be very mature. Sometimes, I could be very open. I think I should be more or less of the very stable attitude kind of girl. When I am childish or mature or open, people scold me. More like nag me. So, I should be more careful on my thoughts. Hehe.

I have to learn to spend money more wisely. I can't waste that much money anymore. NO NO. Ohkay...no more..on clothes? :( Okay. I'd bought quite enough for my leaving to OZ. When it's winter, I'll buy those coats or whatever over there. So, I'm gonna just spend money on food? Hehe. Haih. Must be a good girl :P

A new year and a new beginning. Time to throw all those bad memories and think ahead :)